Shame: A Primary Emotion 

When speaking of vaginismus, shame is an emotion that you will always find hiding somewhere in the topic, wether you are or not conscious of it. Even though vaginsimus is formed from the percieved pain you may possess in regards to sex, gynocological examinations, or tampon insertions, a lot of times, especially in religious households, vaginismus can mainly be formed due to the shame we women feel when it comes to the idea of sex, wether it is participating in the activity, or just simply thinking of it. 

Being raised in a religious or traditional household has a severe impact on the way we not only view, but also comprehend sex and its meaning. Those who grew up being told that sex is something natural that is normal to desire are less likely to develop vaginismus, as they were taught from a young age that there is nothing to fear or feel ashamed of. On the contrary, those who grew up in a religous or more restrictive household are usually taught to wait until marriage before acting on such impulses, that is if they even are taught about sex and what comes with it, as most of these households tend to not even discuss the topic, since it is seen as "taboo". Furthermore, not even discussing sex as a concept during child/teenhood is a prime factor in developing vaginismus, in the sense that we tend to transform what is unknown to us into something scary, thus we do not want to even engage in it. 

What I have learned from my own journey is that shame can easily hide behind another emotion, and it can do that for a long period of time. For the longest time I thought my anger was all over the place, bursting at mundane sitiuations, but it was not until I did the empty chair technique during training school for integrative psychotherapy, with the emotion anger, that I came to the realisation that shame was the primary emotion hiding, and I discovered that only about 6 months ago. What I am trying to rely here is that sometimes we have the tendency to utilise other emotions in order to cope, as we were not taught how to process certain emotions in a healthy manner. In this case, shame has always been with me, I sometimes joke that I feel like I was born into this life with shame inside me. It is what keeps a lot of women from even seeking help when it comes to treating vaginismus, the idea that wanting to be better correlates to feeling ashamed, as if women are not deserving of a healthy sex life. It is the idea that people will judge you for even wanting to talk about it, because why would a woman do that when majority of us are taught to supress our sexual desires and needs ? If anything, it is more so an alien concept for a woman to even hint at the fact that she possesses these wants, especially in more modest countries, but it is sadly what keeps vaginismus intact.

So what do we do? Even though it can be a hard pill to swallow for some, communication is a must. Wether it is with a family member, friend, therapist, or school counsler, just by expressing these thoughts and concerns out loud, you start to diminish the power shame has over you. The more you expose yourself, the easier it becomes. How can one stay in the viscious endless loop of shame if they normalise the topic ? The answer is eventually they will not be stuck ! It is the matter of keeping it a secret that also adds to shame, as many women in religious households are taught to do from a young age.